Once upon a time there was a country to the north with clear skies, one of the oldest democracies around and where liberal views prevailed - values that also led to this particular country being the first in the world to legalize pornography, but we’ll get back to that in a second or two. Here, in this paradise of free schools, top scores in the happiness charts and high-quality butter cookies, ruled a queen who was good and fair and just, just as her father and his father had been before her. So good and fair and just was she, that her underlings were pretty indifferent to this being entirely undemocratic. Then one day, at the annual opening of parliament, the royal family attended the session as they do every year, something interesting happened. The socialist party (the name can be translated roughly as Unity List) decided to stay out of the room until everyone else had sat down for the session to start. The sound of that gauntlet being thrown down could be heard as far as the television signal could be sent into space. This way, the reds did not have to stay seated while everyone else gets up when the queen enters the room, as they had traditionally done and the limited audience at home would be spared this little happening. Their opinion, you see, was that the monarchy should be abandoned and the country turned into a republic. The doors opened, and there was silence...

The queen entered, majestically dressed in a gown, her head held high, and a selection of her (sizable) family in tow. Faces seemed prouder, hearts beat faster and backs were straightened across the room. There was much applause and everyone stood up ceremoniously to welcome the dear leader. Then, as all were getting ready to get seated, the commies quietly, on tippy tip-toes, walked to their chairs following their voluntary exile on ‘too cool for monarchy street’. Then something incredible happened which the kingdom had not yet seen. The fair lady who led the far-right Danish people’s party went on camera to vent her anger at the red horde’s disdain for democracy and Danish values. And then a few more party leaders threw in their two crowns and then all followed. For they all agreed with the queen of the far right, a woman traditionally shunned and reviled by most others (and with good reason). What vile, childish, and ultimately pitiful action had this been. And all was right in the kingdom as evil had been exposed, the red plot foiled and the good and fair and just queen defended successfully.

But the chessboard was rigged all along and the red gambit never stood a chance.

You see, dear reader, this fairy tale is more Grimm than Disney and there is no happy ending. Ever. Imagine if you were sleeping beauty, only when you wake up from your peaceful slumber, you find that the fateful kiss was delivered by this bearded homeless person named Todd. Todd smells of booze. Todd has enough lice in his crusty hair for them to be visible by the naked eye at 50 feet away. Todd wants to get laid. By you. You then find that the 3 fairies have sold your car, given your record collection to your hated little brother (yes, even Bad Motor Finger) and posted those ‘special’ pictures from your cellphone onto 4Chan. It’s that bad.

When growing up, there was one fixed point in the kingdom. And that was when the queen would give her state of the union on new years eve. Itself a sham (the Ministry of the Interior, reviews the spec script, removes and adds content), it is nevertheless treated with the utmost respect. Even the most drunk individuals will quiet down to pay attention and it runs on all channels in case you were considering switching to something more... festive. Kinda like political events in North Korea (though, to be fair, they only have one channel).

I come from a country where the royal family has approval ratings of 80%-90%, something elected politicians can only dream about, but no one can give a good reason for this. Why do we do this? What’s the reason, point or even fairness of this? To truly understand this you need to understand our ability to just ignore facts.

In 2007 the Danish royal family spearheaded a large PR push in the US - an event staged by a variety of organizations and paid for by the Danish ministry of foreign affairs apparatus (translation: me and the rest of the tax paying suckers). New York was to be the epicenter of this multi-week event. As the event drew to a close, the then-head of Danish Industry, the Danish association that looks out for the interests of Danish businesses (and nothing else), told a newspaper that the event had been a complete success thanks, in part, to the royal family who acted as ambassadors and a perfect front for the brand they were trying to create (a story that involved cookies, windmills, business friendly environment and boat-loads of blonde people). ‘Now...’ the man told the reporter, ‘we need to evaluate this event in depth to determine whether this had the expected impact’. Seconds earlier he had already deemed it successful, but then the man needed something to fill the endless 8 seconds of screentime. This was widely reported. Everywhere. The evaluation, naturally, never came. Well, it likely did, but was in the shape of a PP deck at some meeting somewhere. The truth is that the man had just hosted the queen and her entourage for a few weeks in the big apple and telling the Danish people anything but fairy stories would be unacceptable.

Some time later, a consultancy did a large study of the impact the royals had had on this large event. The findings were eye opening. During the 2 weeks in the states, the event had been mentioned in one single article in a fringe paper from a NY district to the north. None of the 3 large papers has one single mention of this. Most all those who had shown up, were invited and were from business that would have come anyway. Financial, trade and relationship impact were negligible and impossible to track, if there was any. This was mentioned in a local paper that I just fell over by total accident. No mainstream papers or tv stations picked this up, not as it is toxic per se, but because no one wants to hear this. And she still got paid? Did anyone mention to her that coffee's for closers?

In fact, only the leading Danish tabloid, which in quality can be compared to the Mirror of the UK, is anti monarchy, but given their brand this is hardly taken seriously. This got me thinking as newspapers and television do have some element of public service responsibilities to adhere to. Yet the person who signs all laws in Denmark and approves of minister nominations, is never questioned. Nor are the 18 members of the royal family. Like, what is that all about dude??

Being openly against the royal family in public life is the same as a US politician going on the evening news proclaiming that there is no God - your career, reputation etc. is gone. And so everyone plays along to this sad tune while pretending the royal family represents all the best qualities of Denmark and the Danes. The illusion is in fact so sturdy that when data is presented as to why the institution as such no longer has any actual worth and merit, as we discussed earlier, it is simply discarded. But this is also where it gets most interesting.

In recent years, Denmark has, like most western countries, seen a move from countryside to city. Where you’d call a person, you now call into an IVR and a robot handles stuff for you. You don’t go to your old bank where you parents also held accounts, you shop online and go on vacation abroad. You speak English at work and your media consumption is 90% foreign, once you strip away news, sports and a few select movies and series (also, HBO is just better at this than their european counterparts, sorry). The transformation from manufacturing society and into a service and knowledge economy is all but complete and so folks search for the last remnants of truly Danish culture one can latch onto. This is where the royals come into play. The institution is ages-old, same monarch for decades and they are Danish, God damn it. We’ll for now ignore that both princes took foreign wives, turning them into the most expensive imports ever (in fairness, they are not even allowed to work).

So one cannot help but wonder. Why would a country which has one of the most liberal views on record, highest internet penetration rates (and hence access to information), one of the strongest economies anywhere and highest levels of education, as measured by average university degree by capita, be interested in hanging onto to something that on a good day could be labeled old fashioned and on a bad day be scolded for being undemocratic? Hell, we allowed free pornograhy before anyone else. If ever there was a product more debatable, divisive and controversial, let me know. If we’re okay with serving up porn in every gas station and convenience store in the country, surely phasing out the royalty would leave but a whisper compared to the a-bomb strength noise that porn left us with (and continues to) in daily news and public discussions? Related they are not, but we were unafraid to set that one free, so at least we have proven that we have balls enough to rid ourselves of old, crusty conventions and go with the times.

But what’s in it for the royals, you may ask? Do they not work for their pay? Well, they cut the occasional ribbon at a new museum. They seem tanned all year round and so they must do important stuff in warm places. I also heard that the queen paints, which is nice, and gives her something to talk about with other people who also paint. Which is nice.

Let’s recap:

1: royal family member is born

2: law is passed to provide person with legal immunity

3: money starts flowing

4: sorted!

If you are a foreigner who marries into the family, you just start at 2. All else remains same. I will not get into the financial costs associated with this set-up, though they are surely enormous. The costs do not bother me, as I am aware that a president costs money too (only, there only one of him and 18 of the other sort) but I am strongly against a society where in this day and age, you can get born into political, financial and land-owner power simply by way of bloodline or throwing a randy prince the bedroom eyes at a yachting event in Saint Tropez. I realize that this will go on for some time and I can only pray that future generations will have the balls to sort this out, but I somehow doubt it. Even after the author being dead for a century, people still read Hans Christian Andersen, and the harsh poetry of the Brothers Grimm still finds its way to book shelves in children’s rooms the world over, so perhaps the monarchy will survive in the same way, claiming relevance in a world that had not changed as much as we’d like to think. And like in fairy tales, the elder will bend over backwards to make the story believable and leave out the more gruesome stuff until the child is deemed old enough to grasp the meaning. This would also explain why schools never mention the monarchy in any democracy discussions and the topic is largely ignored or sidelined.

And what stuff we leave out! The queen’s mother in her later years turned serial-kleptomaniac and minders would have to empty her pockets before exiting an establishment. The prince was busted for drunk driving (his immunity sorted that stuff right out). The royal family is regularly clocked for speeding. The dashboard in the chauffeured car simple reads ‘Immunity’ once you cross the limit, to alert the driver to continue to ignore the limit. The queen is allowed to smoke where everyone else cannot and her husband, this french dude who after 40 year still cannot speak Danish properly, once ran off a few years ago to his winery in France and invited reporters to hear his rant on how the Danes do not respect him. They are also paid a lot of money and given lands and castles that I ultimately get to pay for, and cannot visit unless I stand in line pay for a ticket. The list goes on. Smart-asses would now play the ‘but they make mistakes like you and I and should be allowed to do so’ but that one’s pretty trite. They are not like you and me. If I break the law I get punished. They might make the front page of the leading tabloid, but that would be about it. While I’d do hard time for serial traffic offences, they’d likely spend their time much more constructively by attending that before mentioned yachting event in Saint Tropez. Urgh!!

But above all, the institution is undemocratic. You cannot in this day and age have ‘pick and choose’ democracy, you either have it or you don’t.

The whole thing is so messed up that one wonders whether we’re all playing along in some sort of Truman Show-esque televised show that royals the world watch like some twisted permanent pay-per-view event. But we ain’t, man. This stuff’s real. And like Soylent Green, we’re kinda cool with ignoring the obvious.

You get the leaders you deserve (and we sure got some dire ones) but no one deserves this. At least the leader, I can regularly vote out of power if enough folks agree with me. It's time for a change that simply cannot come soon enough.